Archive for relationship with birth mother

What NOT To Do at the Hospital

Many adoptive families nowadays are blessed to get invited by the birth parents to be present for the birth of their baby. We want to share some general guidelines with you today about the adoption hospital experience!

At the hospital, there’s such a difference between adoptive parents that mean well and those who act entitled. Join Lifetime as we share four things that adoptive couples should avoid doing at the hospital.

1. Don’t Invite People

While this is a joyous occasion for you, consider the birth parents. Unless they request the company of your friends and family, avoid the urge to invite them to the hospital.

We want to advise you to not to treat her hospital experience as your own, by celebrating with friends and family.

A birth mother kisses her baby2. Don’t Take Charge
The birth mother should always be the one taking the lead. Remember that right now, you don’t have any legal rights to her child. Show your birth mother the respect she deserves by honoring this fact and understanding boundaries. Don’t make any decisions for the baby until the adoption paperwork has been signed. That means that if hospital personnel asks you a question about the baby, you’ll need to remind them to ask the birth mother. She needs to be the one making the decisions for now.

Lifetime has heard from many birth mothers who cherish the time they’re able to spend with their baby after delivery. So, make sure to let her enjoy this time.

Remember, let the birth mother take the lead and always ask for her permission. It’s important that you allow her however much time she needs to have with her baby.

3. Don’t Stay for Hours on End
Make sure to give the birth mother regular breaks from visiting with you and give her the space she needs. It’s sometimes easy for adoptive couples to be so excited about becoming parents, that they miss her social cues saying she needs some space. Your birth mother definitely needs to rest after giving birth, and she might also need some time alone with her baby.

Follow her lead, and provide for her wants and needs as you can. Avoid trying to take over, and don’t ask her for favors. For example, we’ve heard of adoptive couples asking to have the baby room with them, or for them to sleep over in the birth mother’s room. Don’t be that couple! Your birth mother already has so much on her plate, and she deserves to be in charge.

4. Don’t Pressure Her
Many birth mothers already feel pressured to follow through with adoption, so don’t do or say anything that to add to that. An example is gifts. Even though adoptive couples mean well, giving a gift right now just adds to the pressure she already feels. Your birth mother’s aware you’ve traveled a long way to get to the hospital. She knows the emotional ties you’ve made to her baby.

Our advice is to make sure to communicate with her. Are you unsure of what to say or do? Let her know! Tell her that you’re not there to pressure her. Let her know you’ll still love and respect her should she decide to parent.

Remember, for years to come you’ll be telling your son or daughter their birth story. So what’s important now is that you act in a way that will make your child proud of the role you played.

Are You Sabotaging Your Adoption? (A True Story)

Are you sabotaging your adoption?Are you sabotaging your adoption? This is a true story about how an adoptive couple caused their birth mother to choose another couple…

Adoptive couple Mike and Candi were enraged when they learned that the birth mother they had been matched with for 3 weeks shared she couldn’t put her baby into their arms. She wanted another couple to adopt her baby girl who was due in eight weeks instead of them. Mike angrily demanded, “How could she do this to us? I just knew she was too good to be true!” Candi spewed lots of words filled with negativity, anger, and denial. Neither one of them wanted to face the fact the sweet birth mother that they were matched with had had enough of Mike’s verbal attacks. And she couldn’t handle Candi’s daily phone calls to ask if she was sure she was going to go through with her decision.

This couple had sabotaged their own adoption! They had sent the very woman who could have made them parents in eight short weeks to another couple who understood how to be kind. The adoptive family she ended up placing with treated her like a human being. They understood that she was facing one of the most difficult decisions of her life. They were kind, understanding, and patient.

The key to a successful adoption isn’t being lucky enough to find the “perfect” adoption situation. It’s more. It’s up to you as prospective parents. It means that you actually have a lot more control over the outcome of your adoption experience than you may have realized by how you view your adoption, a birth mother, the adoption process and how you get along with others in your life.

For more than 30 years, I have worked with thousands of waiting adoptive parents. I have seen the good, loving, the bad and the ugly enter the adoption process. There are families that I can spot right away who have all the ingredients to be successful with little effort. These families project what a birth mother wants and yearns to hear: honest acceptance of herself whatever the circumstance are, kindness, and love for her child.

The ingredients for a healthy adoption are simple and include some of the most basic relationship skills, acts of kindness, a sense of compassion, patience and listening skills. These are all you really need to get started. Mike and Candi came into the adoption process unfamiliar with some of the skills needed to be successful. They didn’t read the recommended books on adoption. They couldn’t put themselves in the shoes of a woman facing the life-altering task of making an adoption plan.

A baby is the birth mother’s until she relinquishes it to the adoptive parents and she has a right to choose whom she feels would be the best parents for her child. Mike didn’t understand that very statement, and it was just one indicator that he wasn’t ready to be a parent. He believed he had a right to this child and that he had a right to make demands on the birth mother.

Their marriage had struggled through infertility and now was very strained. Both were verbally abusive to one another; blaming each other and everyone else. I knew we were not going to be able to help them until they helped themselves through counseling. They would only continue to scare birth mothers away from them, and set up a horrible home life for a baby to grow up in.

Learn from their experience; it’ll help you avoid making the same mistakes they did and sabotage your own success. Break the vicious cycle of constant worrying, of wondering when and how your adoption match will happen. Hand it over to God, for He has plans for your life. If the birth mother has shared with you and your coordinator she wants to go forward, worrying is not going to help you. Faith and being a friend to the birth mother will get you further.

Put yourself into a birth mother’s shoes by reading birth mother stories and listening to interviews of birth mothers on

Take a class now on effective communication, either one-on-one with a counselor, or though a well-written book, audio program, or a group setting. Whatever you do, learn to communicate now. It is what we all need and it is a skill you will use over and over again as a parent and in all your relationships.

I am wishing you a wonderful adoption experience. Be prepared and aware and then focus your energy on your child and your family!