Amanda rested on the sofa, with a cup of tea resting in one hand one. She grabbed for her iPad and began to browse through her adoption agency’s website, something that she did every night upon getting home from work. As she navigated the site, Amanda began feeling defeated. As she looked at all the happy photos of other couples hoping to adopt, she wondered, “How will we ever stand out from all these other couples and get picked by a birth mother? What makes a birth mother choose one couple over another as the parents to her child? How can we compete against couples who are charming, well-educated, attractive, and wealthier?”
If this scenario sounds familiar to you, you’re not alone. Plenty hopeful adoptive parents feel worried from time to time that a birth mother won’t choose them. Struggling with jealousy and frustration during your adoption journey is normal. Today, we hope to bring clarity to the open adoption process and give you some bottom line truths about being chosen by a birth mother.
Why Them and Not Us?
Today, birth mothers pick adoptive families for a variety of reasons. Lifetime has seen women choose a certain couple just because they looked kind, or familiar, or fun. Birth mothers have decided on their baby’s adoptive parents based on where they live, their pets, or their hobbies. We’ve even worked with birth mothers who felt an instant connection to an adoptive couple because they both liked the same candy! As you can tell, there’s no specific formula to explain why a birth mother might like one family over another.
The truth is, a birth mother can only pick ONE adoptive family for her baby. Once she realizes that there are so many wonderful, loving couples who would make amazing parents for her baby, it makes her difficult decision even more so.
How Long Will We Wait?
Adoption is unique. If it were easier to adopt, there would be more people pursuing this path to parenthood. It’s challenging to predict exactly how long your adoption wait will be. That because here at Lifetime, adoption depends on a birth mother’s choice.
So, it’s important to follow your adoption agency’s guidance and expertise on your adoption profile, website, and video. Also, make sure to be as open as you’re comfortable in your adoption preferences for a child. Every time a birth mother sees your information, it’s another opportunity to be picked.
The bottom line is that there are a variety of reasons why some adoptive couples wait longer than others. Some hopeful adoptive parents may have put off turning in their home study paperwork or getting their adoption profiles in. Or, they might even have turned down an opportunity to adopt that was given to them and was inside their preferences. For couples who have been ready and proactive from the beginning of their adoption journey, it’s just a matter of time!
Each adoptive family’s path to their child is unique, but it can be hard not to compare yourself to others. Whether you’re seeking an adoption match on your own or with the help of a professional, we hope that the insights we shared here help you get through the frustrating days.
Do you need encouragement and inspiration during your adoption wait? Make sure to check out these helpful articles about waiting:
In Your Adoption Wait? 5 Ideas on What You Can Do
A Lesson In Patience as You Wait to Adopt
Coping With Your Adoption Wait
Struggling With Your Adoption Wait? Read This!
Are you having a difficult time during the adoption wait? Maintaining a positive attitude makes even the most challenging times easier to experience. Being positive doesn’t mean pretending that you have a perfect life, but rather about seeing the good in life and shifting how you perceive this time.
There are many sides to the adoption journey when you’re eagerly waiting to be chosen by a birth mother. Many adoptive couples go through the process joyfully, trying to be as patient and proactive as possible. Others struggle with feelings of jealousy and frustration, asking themselves, “Why did they adopt, but not us?”
“We have been reflecting on our journey a lot lately. On Mother’s Day I couldn’t think of anything I would rather do than to spend time with the woman who made me a mom! We met with Brynlee’s birth parents and visited the aquarium downtown! I love that we are in the same state because we can visit each other often. Brynlee loved seeing the fish and she soaked up all the hugs and play time.
When we were saying our, ‘see you later,’ they gave me flowers and I just about lost it! I was amazed at how strong and selfless this gesture was. I was so honored! I think about them and pray for them every single day! I pray they are safe and that they are content with the decision they made and this gave me the reassurance I have been needing. They are doing well and they know their daughter is cared for and loved so much!
The year has just flown by…we still can’t believe how much this little boy has overcome and accomplished. He is into everything, loves to belly laugh, and is best friends with Hannah. The first thing they do when waking up is to find each other and share hugs in the morning. She refers to him as her “little buddy Win-con.”
If you’re waiting to adopt, you might find that you go through seasons of discouragement, and wonder if you’re still on the right track with your adoption. But ask any experienced adoptive parent and they’ll share that once they adopted, it just seems meant to be. The timing, the baby, the events that brought their adoption together…all of it meant to be.
