Image

Why Did They Adopt, But Not Us?

Why did they adopt, but not us?There are many sides to the adoption journey when you’re eagerly waiting to be chosen by a birth mother. Many adoptive couples go through the process joyfully, trying to be as patient and proactive as possible. Others struggle with feelings of jealousy and frustration, asking themselves, “Why did they adopt, but not us?”
 
During the wait, most adoptive families may wonder things like:
 
Why did that couple get chosen by a birth mother and not us?

Why is this taking so long?

Why are they taking new adoptive families when we’re still waiting?

We would have happily adopted that baby. Why didn’t they offer the adoption to us?

Thoughts like these might make you doubt your adoption professional and your adoption plans. They can even make you question what you have to offer a child. It’s what you do with these thoughts that’ll affect your peace of mind, while you’re in the adoption wait. Today, we’re going to elaborate on each common question to find the truth:
 

Why did that couple get chosen by a birth mother and not us?

In modern adoption, birth mothers choose adoptive families for a variety of reasons. Lifetime has worked with birth moms who chose the couple they did because they looked kind, familiar, or fun. Other women have chosen their baby’s adoptive family based on where they live, their hobbies, and even their pets. There isn’t one predictable reason a birth mother may prefer one family over another. However, the truth is that she can only pick ONE adoptive family for her baby. This makes her decision difficult when she learns about so many wonderful couples who’d make loving parents for her child.
 

Why is this taking so long?

If adoption was easy or fast, more people would pursue it. It’s hard to predict exactly how long your adoption wait will be. At our agency, every adoption depends on a birth mother’s choice. So in order to maximize your exposure to women thinking about adoption, it’s very important to follow your adoption professional’s recommendations.
 
Similarly, it’s crucial to keep your adoption preferences as open as you are comfortable. Each time your profile is shown to a birth mother is another opportunity to be picked. The truth is that there are reasons why some couples wait longer than others, such as procrastinating on getting their adoption profile or home study completed or passing up opportunities within their preferences. For couples who have been proactive from the start, the truth is it’s just a matter of time.
 
Birth mother considering adoption

Why are they taking new adoptive families when we’re still waiting?

Many assume that an agency should avoid welcoming new clients until their current ones have adopted. This reasoning behind this argument is that with fewer couples to choose from, the longer-waiting ones are more likely to get chosen. But, the argument ignores the fact that couples ARE completing adoptions each month, and there continues to be a need for adoptive families who are open to a variety of situations.
 
The truth is that birth mothers are less inclined to consider adoption when she doesn’t see any adoptive families that interest her. She might look for an adoptive family at another agency, or even give up on adoption altogether. When she really has a choice in who adopts her baby, a birth mother is more likely to feel confident in moving forward with an adoption match when she’s ready.
 

We would have happily adopted that baby. Why didn’t they offer the adoption to us?

Many factors come into play when an agency picks a family for a baby, including the birth mother’s preferences. Even if she wants the agency to pick the adoptive family, a birth mother may still have requests. Also, the agency must carefully consider the adoptive family’s readiness, preferences, and budget.
 
Lifetime’s Adoption Coordinators are thorough when they help adoptive parents and birth mothers connect. The truth is that because of confidentiality you don’t know every detail that went into an adoption match. It’s impossible to know what happened “behind the scenes.”
 

Remain Positive & Hopeful

Most adoptive families will tell you, that looking back now, perspective is everything when you’re in the adoption wait. When questions like these pop up in your mind, focus on the truth rather than fears or frustrations. This will help you remain positive and hopeful. The best way to fight feelings of discouragement or jealousy is to celebrate the adoptions of other adoptive parents and to focus on what IS happening as you wait. If you find the adoption journey pressing on your insecurities, reflect and then take action to tackle them during your wait. Not every step of your adoption path will be a milestone, but all are a necessary part of leading you to the child you long to add to your family.

Leave a Reply