It’s normal for adopted children to ask about their birth families. They may wonder things like ‘do they look like me?,’ ‘Why did they choose adoption?’ and ‘What do I have in common with them?’ What’s important is to be honest, open, and positive when you talk with your child about your child’s birth mother. After all, their birth parents are a major part of his or her adoption story.

Since it’s a delicate subject, many adoptive parents wonder how they should start the birth parent conversation with their child. Here are some tips about talking with your child about his or her birth parents:

1. Start Telling Their Adoption Story Early On
Begin talking with your child about their adoption from day one. That way, it’s not a shock to your child that they were adopted. Your child will know their adoption is special if you speak about it early and often. For very young children, you might share photos of their birth parents and explain that they helped create your family.

2. Keep in Touch
Many (if not most) birth mothers want an open adoption maintained. So, it’s important that you follow through on the amount of contact you agree to. Preserving a relationship with your child’s birth mother is benefiting all involved, particularly your child.

3. Plan Ahead
As your child matures, they’ll ask different questions and want to know more details about their birth parents. Speak with your spouse and come up with a plan of how you’ll address questions and when you want to share certain details. Ask your child’s birth mother for more info—it may help you answer some of these questions that’ll come up down the road. It’s ideal if she could write a letter to your child, describing her choice of adoption.

4. Celebrate Adoption
Consider having a yearly party for your child’s adoption day, and invite your child’s birth parents. Talk with your child about their birth story and birth family. Other adoption-related holidays that you can recognize include National Adoption Month, Birth Mother’s Day, and National Adoption Day.

5. Be Truthful
You don’t need to tell your child all of the information about their birth family all at once. Keep in mind that you should never fabricate stories about your child’s birth parents. If your child asks you a question that you don’t have the answer to, just tell them so. Saying “we don’t know” is better than telling them what you think they want to hear or making up a story.

6. Be Positive
Avoid speaking badly about your child’s birth mother, especially to others. It’s important to respect her privacy, while at the same time being understanding with her mistakes and lifestyle differences. Remember that it was your child’s birth parents who brought them into this world and made it possible for you to be parents. Make sure that your child knows that he or she is loved by the birth parents who chose to give them life. The birth mother will always love their child, even as they struggle to maintain stability or healthy choices. Remember, it’s out of loss and difficulties that you were blessed to adopt that child and to build your family!

Talking with your child about their birth parents doesn’t lessen your role as parents or change the relationship you have with your child. Just the opposite: it’ll bring your family closer, increase trust, and make your child proud of his or her origins.